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2 Steps Forward, 1 Step Back

 This weekend was challenging, friend. 

I realized sometime last week that I was overdoing the "fake it til' you make it" protocol.

Fake it 'til you make it is putting on a happy face, a strong face until it feels real.  But, here is the problem (for me) it started to feel like so much work I was exhausted. I was drained. I was ignoring so many of my worries and concerns and realities because I feared that dealing with them would make it impossible to fake it anymore.  They were stacking up somewhere in the back of my mind becoming a weight that I was trying to ignore but was carrying around. 

Then, this weekend, I found myself on a call with my mother, sitting tearfully in the closet (felt right at the time) while she informed me, for the 10millionth time, that I don't believe she's capable of doing what she needs and am putting too much pressure on her.  While I collapsed. Frustrated, overwhelmed, and sad that she can't feel my real intentions, she doesn't understand me, and that I can't change her.

BAD PERFECTIONIST, I was trying to be perfect at being happy, being spiritual, and open to growth. I was trying to be perfect at healing. (among other things)

Who knew.

Well, fortunately, that is the journey I am on. Balance, it feels, maybe the opposite of perfectionism (for me at least - is it for you?). Finding out what it means to be and feel all the things (good, bad, happy, sad). I think my perfectionist tendencies go beyond work and accomplishments. They go into attempting to control my emotions.

Sometimes, I suspect, I try to be the perfect anxious person, now I was trying to be the perfect happy, joyful person.

Now, I need to start to learn to feel all of my emotions. To experience the range of who I am...

Does this align with your experience in perfectionist recovery?

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